“Compulsive eating leads to isolation, self hate and a powerlessness over food that can make one’s life unimaginable.
The first time I experienced an eating disorder was in high school.
I tried to throw up my food, but I’ve always hated puking, but at the time it felt like all the skinny girls were doing it–binging and purging.
It was having your cake and eating it too, but throwing it up before it had a chance to go to your hips.
My fall back became pink laxatives, though each time I took them and then found myself unable to leave the bathroom, I swore to God I’d never ever take them again if he’d allow me to not collapse into the toilet as I was dry heaving, cold sweating and wishing I’d never swallowed them to begin with.
I had my six-month follow-up from my first pregnancy and was still 20 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight & my OB asked (unprompted by me) if I wanted some pills to “melt that stubborn fat away”. I remember the nurse looking at me when she handed me the script at checkout and saying “I can’t believe she wrote this for you at your weight!” yet I took it as a compliment and headed straight to the pharmacy to fill it.
Unfortunately Phentermine and extreme ADHD and anxiety did not mix well.I paced our apartment for about an hour before I decided to take Jackson on the fastest bike ride he’d ever been on. I thought my heart may actually explode but for the first time, food was the furthest thing from my mind…& that was a feeling I loved.
Throughout my first initial dose of Phentermine, I was a raging psychiatric mess but I didn’t care because my pants were a size 2.
It took me passing out when I stood up, climbing out of a tanning bed to realize skipping all meals and eating Phentermine probably wasn’t a long term solution for maintaining my “ideal” size.
My OB refused to fill a second script anyways.
“Diet culture uses food restriction to try and fulfill the human need of belonging and fitting in.”
I’ve ran to food my entire life.
I grew up at ALL YOU CAN EAT Chinese buffets, on fast-food and in the summer, endless amounts of fried mullet followed by vanilla ice cream and fresh blueberries.
My grandmother wasn’t a stellar cook, but grandpa loved to eat out and that meant that six nights a week, (or when he didn’t catch any mullet) we ate somewhere where kids ate for free and they ate as much as they wanted to. In a sense, growing older, I was super proud of the fact that I could eat anything & everything I wanted and (prior to kids) it didn’t have much of an effect.
Some girls were ordering salads or drinking bottled water by middle & high school or they were purging and vomiting, but not me!
Life was too short! && food was too good!
((++ if I overdid it or started to feel bad about it, I could pop a pink pill!))
I loved eating so much, that in the 6th grade, I ate all of the fried chicken in my friend’s fridge late at night, while we chatted up boys on AIM, not realizing her mom had bought it for Sunday lunch the next day. I was mortified when we sat down “for lunch” and she searched for the nonexistent box of chicken she knew she’d bought.
The truth was, I had no idea how to eat as an adult.
& even now, I am still learning.
Instead of food being for nutrients needed for survival,
I had been cheered on my entire life to “GET OUR MONEY’S WORTH”
So that meant lots of finished plates, gorging, seconds and thirds of desserts and more.
It meant eating to the point of being miserable.
I didn’t know how to cook or meal prep.
I didn’t once as a child eat salad.
My family generationally (females) were all obese / to morbidly obese & I clearly wouldn’t be any exception to the rule if I kept it up.
Unfortunately, once my metabolism slowed and the weight started piling on, I found the harder I tried to control my binging, only made my eating worse. Here I was, mom of 4, multiple successful businesses and while I could control all other aspects of my life, food owned me. And I hated it.
My grandma couldn’t control her eating and hadn’t modeled habits. So my mom didn’t.
I didn’t model habits, and now here I was, doing the same thing to my young family.
Fast food breakfast. Fast food for lunch.
Super big dinner.
Fast food for dessert. . . .
I’ll never forget one of my male business partners saying to me once at a luncheon, “Girl, you’d really HAVE IT ALL if you shed some weight. I have NEVER seen someone eat like you do! ! ”
I won’t write here what I responded back, but I’d assure you it wasn’t what Jesus would have suggested.
But I had time now.
& I had money, to eat healthy.
Both of which I didn’t have before that, and had used as excuses.
I could buy and read all the books.
& I did.
Made to Crave.
This is your brain on food.
How I quit sugar.
Fast, feast, repeat.
I ordered workout gear & joined a gym*
I couldn’t stop eating though, and by the spring of 2020 I was 195lbs, the heaviest I’d ever been–even during pregnancy.
Still, I couldn’t sit down without engulfing my food as if I’d never eat again.
I couldn’t have only one piece of cake without sneaking to eat the rest of it in the middle of the night. Soon, one breakfast combo was no longer enough & instead I’d order it, plus a cinnamon roll to numb the disappointment that would ultimately follow from not being able to stick to my diet again.
I tried fasting, but if I didn’t eat often, my body would shake uncontrollably.
I’d feel lightheaded & anxious.
& when I did finally eat, I’d eat double what I normally did.
My husband didn’t understand.
If I didn’t like the way I looked, why was I making it harder on myself?!
For the record, he never treated me any differently. He never once mentioned my weight gain, but I felt it in our private times alone and I hated that for him, because I had become so uncomfortable with my own body. * * * *
This is the only way I can describe FOOD ADDICTION / FOOD BINGING for thos who can’t understand.
Imagine, telling someone who is addicted to alcohol, that they should only drink until they feel a buzz and then stop.
But that’s exactly what it feels like when someone would ask why I couldn’t stop eating>>>
Why I didn’t have portion control ? ? ?
Because to someone who is addicted to food and binging and has been since they were born, to simply “eat until they’re not hungry and stop” IS NOT AN OPTION, at least it wasn’t for me.
You can’t live without food, which is why it’s the highest abused substance in America.
Eat until you can’t feel anything but absolutely fucking miserable.
Then hate yourself for it.
Then do it all over again to punish yourself.
That was the cycle I lived in.
& I couldn’t do it any longer.
I knew I needed help.
Most people don’t remember the girl in that BEFORE photo.
” I FEEL LIKE YOU WERE NEVER BIG ENOUGH TO EVEN NEED SURGERY”
” I DON’T EVER REMEMBER YOU BEING FAT”
” YOU WERE ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL”
“I NEVER SAW A BAD PHOTO OF YOU!”
Duh! That’s because I didn’t like version.
I loved myself, but I am human.
& you’ll only ever see here, WHAT I WANT YOU TO SEE.
who would be brave enough to post the absolute worst photo of them, OF ALL TIME, FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD TO SEE AND DISCUSS, IF THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO?!?
me, until now.
so here are some photos from that same time.
Much better lighting, much better angles * * *
Much better clothing.
Surrounded by those who mattered most.
Same month as the photo above.
My mom had gastric surgery when I was 18 and was the first one to encourage me when I mentioned that I was considering surgery.
I’m far from ashamed and also don’t feel like I owe anyone anything, especially regarding my private health.
But, in a world where it’s literally the only topic at hand, (HEALTH) I felt encouraged by so many who have already had the same or similar procedure because of me and my success, to share it here for those who need to hear it.
I want those moms who wondered how I could control my urges and they can’t, to know that I couldn’t…without help.
It’s absolutely ok to admit you have a problem and need help.
I CHOSE UNTIL NOW TO KEEP MY PROCEDURE TO MYSELF, AND A FEW CLOSE FRIENDS. MY OWN MOTHER IN LAW, SISTER IN LAW, GRANDPARENTS AND MORE HAD NO IDEA, UNTIL SOMEONE WHO I DID TRUST WITH MY VERY PRIVATE DECISION, DECIDED IT WAS IN HER BEST INTEREST TO SHARE PUBLICLY TO MAKE SOME SICK POINT.
Here’s a super fun fact.
YOU CAN’T “FAKE” WEIGHT LOSS.
I didn’t open a smoothie shop and tell everyone if they drank my drinks they’d be skinny > > >
I didn’t get paid to advertise some gym and tell my followers that 40 minutes of cardio was doing it for me.
I simply started feeling confident enough after losing 50 lbs, to show my actual workouts (though they were very short lived) as well as what I was consuming daily, for anyone who was asking > > >
I also didn’t get to tell a doctor “what weight I wanted to be”
I got to have my actual stomach altered through a dangerous and expensive procedure, that would limit my food intake and relationship with food (the longest relationship I have ever had) for the remainder of my MF life,
so that I could live a longer and healthier life not only for myself but also for my family.
not for likes and follows.
I already had those.
Here’s the thing
SOMETIMESSSSS Jesus & Lysa Terkurst aren’t enough by themselves to save you from your worst habits.
I wish they were.
**Our church actually offers a FAITH BASED RECOVERY PROGRAM that uses truths found in Biblical perspectives to help those suffering from addiction. This program is free to anyone who needs it and can help with triumph over any type of addiction.
But I know personally, if you didn’t grow up having health modeled for you and find yourself at 30 completely addicted to food and binging, it can feel impossible to make a change…..but I’m proof it can be done.
& I’m not ashamed to admit it.
I feel bad for anyone who saw me being targeted by so many hateful comments & shares about my “hidden” WLS, for those who themselves have gone through the process and felt like maybe they were “faking” their weight loss too or unworthy of conquering food because they needed medical help.
I only show you what I want you to see here, because not all of my life has to be public.
There are private parts I keep to myself, my husband, within my family and friends.
Take that for what it is worth.
I don’t owe a single one of you any aspect of my life, just like you don’t owe anyone else.
But I have always strived to be transparent with those who mattered most.
Just because I don’t choose to share EVERYTHING here, doesn’t mean I am hiding it.
In fact, if you were brave enough to ask me to my face, you’d find I am pretty much an open book.
But messages like these? Where people just wanted to know “my secret” while discussing it amongst their “colleagues?”
Heres the deal, I didn’t take the decision to have my procedure lightly but can tell you, that it feels
OHHHHH SOOOOOO GOOOOOODDDD to be the girl at roadhouse who eats only one roll and says, “I’m good, thanks!” when the waitress asks if she’d like another basket.
It feels soooooo good having a husband who is able to throw me around > > >
& also to on occasion, share an appetizer, an entree and a dessert with because I have FULL CONTROL of how much I am eating. . .
It makes me so proud that I can choose fruit as a side item at a drive-thru for my kids because I’m not craving the large fry even more than they are and that I am able to focus more on healthy meals and lunches most of the time, because I’m the one buying them (but also not the one craving them) myself.
It feels AMAZING not being owned by food, even if I needed the help of a skilled surgeon to get there.
IT DOESN’T MAKE MY STORY ANY LESS THAN ANYONE ELSE WHO HAS MADE A MAJOR LIFE CHANGE TO CHANGE THEIR HEALTH.
Here is what I want to say.
Your health, despite what the government says, is totally in your hands.
Last year alone, heart disease more than doubled the total lives lost by covid and continues to be the #1 cause of death in the US by a landslide.
YOUR LIFE IS THE SUM OF YOUR CHOICES.
And I’m NOT ASHAMED for taking mine by the horns, by all means necessary to live a healthier life for myself and my family.
I hope you’re not either.
IF THAT’S WORKING OUT, GREAT.
IF THAT’S DOING KETO, GREAT.
IF THAT’S TRUSTING JESUS TO TAKE YOUR URGES AWAY, GREAT.
IF THAT’S TAKING YOUR ANXIETY MEDS, GREAT.
IF THAT’S PORTION CONTROL, GREAT.
IF THAT’S 80/20, GREAT.
IF IT’S A MIX OF THE ABOVE OR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, GREAT!
&& also, IF NONE OF THESE HAVE EVER WORKED FOR YOU LONG TERM AND YOU FINALLY ARE READY TO SEEK HELP FROM WHATEVER COULD WORK, I HOPE YOU DO THAT TOO ! ! !
People are going to talk about you & HATE ON YOU no matter WHAT you do IN LIFE,
so you might as well do what you want!!! & FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT ! ! ! !
“If stress can make us sick, it stands to reason that love, laughter & joy can make you healthy.”
For more information on what exact procedure I had, where I had it done, the cost and my detailed journey about the experience …be sure to subscribe to my emails at the end of this post > > >
&& always remember
“Acceptance of yourself is far more important than acceptance from others.”